Typically, being liked is what everyone is aiming for. People like to see the positives in things, and they label any negatives as areas of improvement to lighten the pessimism behind the critique.
Today, I’m changing all of that. I’m here because I want the smoke from every fan of every team. Sure, there are lots of great things about all the teams in the bubble—that’s why they’re in Orlando and not a part of the proposed “Delete-Eight” consolation bubble. However, every team still has flaws—I’m simply here to point them out.
Your best player (Jayson Tatum) has really only played well for a bit over a month this season, and your second-best player has never been out of the first round. Also, Shaquille O’Neal could probably hop off the TNT set in his suit and give any of your centers 50.
Kyrie Irving couldn’t even give you more than 20 games before he started to complain about your young core and got your head coach fired. At least Jarrett Allen’s afro is cool—it’s grown more this season than your team’s chemistry has.
Congratulations on your best player being James Harden-light. You should be able to calculate your playoff prognosis by taking his past success and cutting it in half.
Jamal Murray knew the Nuggets weren’t any fun to watch, so he went off and released some content of his own earlier this season.
Most teams run lines for conditioning. I’m sure in Houston, Harden and Westbrook run lines while the rest of the team stands around and watches them. You know what they say, practice how you play!
TJ Warren’s first three games in the bubble were more exciting than the entire existence of this franchise.
Los Angeles Clippers
I bet Kawhi Leonard wishes he could play on a team that knows how to win when he isn’t on the court…I wonder where he could’ve found that?
Los Angeles Lakers
Basketball is a game where five players on one team compete against five players on the other team. This year, the Lakers are experimenting with a different approach where they compete with two guys against five.
There isn’t much to roast this team about, seeing as they are winners. They won a game of connect four as the red team. See for yourselves: nba.com/standings.
The Heat are slowly realizing that Iguodala sitting out for Memphis was actually a blessing for the Grizzlies. Miami sure did win that trade deadline, just like they sure can win the championship.
I wonder if the Bucks are the next Toronto Raptors—you know, the team who consistently has good regular seasons, and flops out of the playoffs till they get a real superstar.
New Orleans Pelicans
I will give you this: you have arguably the best young superstar in the league. It’s really fun watching him play 15 minutes every other game.
Oklahoma City Thunder
A successful regular season team led by Chris Paul? We haven’t seen how this story ends!
The only interesting thing about this team is out with a torn ACL. This isn’t me trying to make light of an injury either; Orlando desperately needs Jonathan Isaac to win a couple games in the G-League.
This team does enough for themselves. Nothing I can say could be worse than the product they’ve put out on the court in Orlando.
Congratulations on the first four-game win streak of Devin Booker’s career! Typically in the playoffs you have to win four games, four times, but doing it once after five years is a step in the right direction.
Portland Trail Blazers
Shoutout to the Blazers for making the conference finals one time. One time. That’s how many times they’ve made it that far in the past 20 years, and likely the next 20 as well.
We should give a prize to the person who lives long enough to witness the end of the Kings’ playoff drought. (People still live past 100, right?)
San Antonio Spurs
I struggle with what I find more exciting; watching the Spurs play basketball, or the commercials that come on between quarters.
Look, Toronto’s transition offense is fantastic. Too bad it’s also important to be able to score when facing five defenders. If only they had a guy like…I don’t know, Kawhi Leonard?
They shut down the league to force the bubble, but they certainly aren’t shutting down teams now that they’re in it.
If we’re being honest, the current iteration of this roster would get swept out of the Delete-Eight bubble.